"Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One."
"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."
"When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and its time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you dont even know from which direction the sun rises anymore."
the following is a note, a private note at this point, between you all... I love you & thank you for the amazing outpouring of love & friendship many of you have shown me over the past month~
I dont know much right now, i dont know half the time what Im thinking or what I want~ Im just letting myself explore the concept of not having to know or anticipate everything, or to feel, without anxiety or fear or darkness altering how I see things, or myself.
It is not very unlike when Isaac was small and would make a mess of paint or rice grains or mud; allowing him to see, feel, and know the textures of the world around him and not be led to believe anything other than his own ideas about them. I am discovering there are quite a few preconceived notions floating around my head that have restricted my growth, as a woman... as a soul. I could not see the forrest for the trees, I suppose, so convinced, was I, that all my searching WAS growth~ when it was actually stagnation. Not rushing to judge myself is actually easier than I could have imagined. I was such a gentle mama to Isaac when he was younger, I know I have it in me to be this way toward myself.
Recently I had a conversation with my beloved Isaac, for the 100th time or so, about wanting to start fresh, no more slacking, no more unhealthy llife choices. Poignantly, he said, "Mama, it doesnt really effect me if you do or dont do those things, it just makes me sad for you when you want to but you dont" At any other moment prior to this particular moment in my life, I might have become defensive or silent, or hurt or tried to justify myself... but what naturally flowed from my heart & mind to his, and even back to myself was utter & complete appreciation for his candid observation of the truth, and also, remarkably, a feeling inside not of judgement or embarrassment or fear for having been seen, but actually, the understanding that I really need to decide what I want for myself. Do I want to be healthy? Do I want to feel good? Is there some reward I get in not being or pursuing those things? Do I want them for myself or because I think others want them for me?
Ultimately, I find myself wanting to want a different story. I feel a responsibility that comes with the territory, i suppose; and yet, what feels everyday a little more unearthed is this idea that I want to be free. Free from the constraints Ive allowed myself to be governed by. The expectations Ive assumed others have of me. The standards Ive set for myself that feel overwhelmingly unattainable because they demand nothing less than absolute perfection and success and ear to ear smiles at all times.
I have been feeling like I am not known by one person on this planet. This is because I am more than words I use to try to describe myself. I am more than actions that reveal my character. I am more than character. I am more than the events large and small that have shaped me. I am a mystery unto myself. My loneliness is perhaps due to the fact that I am not a great friend to myself, I vascilate between self loathing and delusions of grandeur. I withdraw and then reappear, convinced I have some new answer, some new joie di vivre, some new hope.
But I think that perhaps this is the human condition. The more I utter the words I have been afraid to say aloud, that made me feel less than or broken or unlovable, the more I understand that the brain is a living, breathing, needing thing~ it must be loved, nurtured, nourished, it must get rest, it must be exercised, it must recieve proper hydration, it must have times of challenge and relaxation. When these conditions are not present, in any of us, the brain can become, like any of us, weak, overwhelmed, ill. Any one of us at any time can experience a change in our mental health.
And if this is true, than any one of us at anytime can be hurting desperately enough to require help, support, guidance, love. And if this is true than I am not a terrible excuse for an adult because I yearn for those things and dont know how to ask, or have asked in the past but been unable to recieve what was offered. And if this is true, then maybe, just maybe, I can relax a little while and decide what I need from myself, and what & who I need of others. Because maybe whats the most truth Ive begun to understand is that we are supposed to rely upon one another. It is innate, it is hardwired into our DNA. Into our mechanisms of survival~
In the failures I felt I embodied, to be a giver, a united being, a devotee of service to humanity, I failed to see that for every person seeking a purpose to give, was an ocean of people needing to recieve. Being able, being open to receiving love, forgiveness, generousity, kindness, is a far greater challenge than any exhaustion giving may induce. We are attuned to giving, we are attuned to humitlity, to sharing beyond our means. We are not empowered to recieve the simple gifts of abundance that each of us strives to give.
The result of this, for me, has been dis-ease. Dysfunction. Disconnect. As I reclaim what is mine, what cannot be given or taken away, I find that I have been more blessed than cursed. My optimism has always buoyed me, even when sharks were circling; until a dark hour passed where I could not feel the sun and could not believe it would ever warm my face again.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
As I challenge my own thoughts, I find comfort that Thou, is thee, is all of my brothers and sisters, is communion, connection, community, humanity. Is God. Is The Universe. Is the point of it all. Is you & me.
Suffering in silence is not noble. It protects no one. Families suffer. People end their lives because they cannot find the light within themselves to go on. They feel that the world, especially their families, especially their children, will be better off without them. They make this decision not out of any rational thought or feeling, not anything that they can help or snap out of. Asking for help is the most terrifying concept. Admitting that things feel bottomless feels self centered, feels stupid. and yet, feelings of absolute worthlessness persist until the sufferer is a shell of themselves. and then people notice. and wonder whats wrong. and the sufferer tries to fake it. revealing the secret would leave them too vulnerable. They can no longer trust themselves or anyone else with the truth. This is depression. It isnt pretty.
Some people dont 'believe in it' to them i say... nothing. I smile. I'd love to not understand something so well because of a lack of experience! Plus, Im not rude & I tend to avoid conflict. This is not for them. this is for those who suffer and those who love someone who suffers.
Some people I have lost to depression that cannot be returned. Somethings I have lost cannot be remembered, or found. This is not metaphor~ Speaking out is akin to being the only one naked and flawed to boot. But I have nothing to lose by hoping this reaches even one person out there who is morse coding for help & hope.
I believe it exists. I believe that every life is worth it. That love is in such surplus it will never run dry. I believe you may have to excavate past the stuff you buried to forget, deeper into the dark pungent layers where the fertile life bearing soil holds your rooty tendrils securely, fastening you to this earth, to yourself. You have to wrestle biology and hunt down biography and vigilantly serve & protect destiny. Yours. Mine. Ours.
But I am also beginning to understand that it is not merely the strength of my will, or a strength i somehow do not possess or was not equipped with that will see me through the darkest days. It is not as simple and profound as that. It is each of you, holding a beacon of hope for me to see with, the lasso you rope me in with that is of love, light, and hope, that I will begin to walk toward, with faith as my companion, that will get me across the bridge, my knees, trembly & unsteady, stand before now. It is us, and it is all there is and ever was.
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"
Thank you from my very humble, very loving heart.
